One of my kids look for me whenever he feels frustrated or angry or sad. He looks for me to vent out his feelings by hitting me.

Every hit, I remind him it’s not good, and inside me the tension just builds up.

I got to a point where in my head I’m thinking “I don’t deserve this” even with light touch I get triggered and hit back.

Of course I felt bad, really bad.

Just because I fuck up doesn’t mean I’ve got no heart
Sorry, but some days aren’t so pretty
I wanna hit the brakes but I hit the gas

Love Fame Tragedy - 5150

I went out to think.

How we construct meaning from experience is a choice

I forgot that I have a choice on how I construct meaning from experience.

My default, immediate meaning of his action was he does not appreciate all the understanding I’ve already done for him. I go on this toxic mental cycle how I don’t deserve to be treated like this, triggering me even more.

The plain reality is my kid have sensory processing issues that’s out of his control, and have a difficulty verbalizing what he’s feeling. The easiest way he could unload his frustration is by hitting me, not out malice, but out of difficulty of other ways to express it.

How I try to see it now

Maybe it’s because he knows deep down, no matter what he do, I would still be there for him. Which is true. I make sure he always feel loved. Him venting his frustration to me could be a sign of the security he feels around me.

Ever since I shifted how I see it, I barely gets triggered anymore.

Now, it mainly reminds me that it’s because he is secure with me.

I still don’t tolerate hitting of course. With clearer head (not being angry or triggered myself), I was able to figure out a way to redirect him. Asking him to “double high five” breaks his pattern of using both his hands to hit. Immediately followed by fist bump and align, it kept him occupied enough to briefly interrupts his overwhelmed head.

Sometimes, that’s all it takes to bring him back to his regulated state.

He’s not angry, I’m not angry, he feels better, I feel better. All just from a change of meaning.

I volunteered to help organize a 3-day event, with the date set 10 months in advance. My plan was I’m going to stay near the venue for the entire duration.

A week before the event, my son’s school announced that they will have a family day on the last day of the event.

There was no question about whether I would attend. The only question was how can I make it work.

It’s very clear to me that family comes first.

I was able to be at home by 4:00am, woke up at 6:30am and drove to our family day venue and be there just in time at 7:30am.

Afterward, I took another nap, then drove back to the event.

Was it exhausting? Yes. But I had no internal conflict. My decision was aligned with my values. It was an easy choice.

One of my kids threw my phone at the TV out of anger. It broke.

What made it hard for me to handle is it was intentional. If it wasn’t, I would have understood. He doesn’t seem to grasp the consequences.

I don’t like how I reacted: I shouted and hit his butt harder than I should have. I felt guilty.

What hurt even more was when I reached to comfort him, and he flinched, afraid I might hit him again.

I have to remember: kids are at the mercy of their nervous system. They still don’t have full control over their impulses and reaction. Their behavior is their best attempt to meet a need.

Instead of focusing on their actions, ask: What need are they trying to meet?

Whose job is it to teach them how to properly meet their needs? Mine.

My need was to make him understand that what he did was not good. But the way I reacted only reinforced the same pattern: get angry, act on impulse, and lash out. It showed him that reacting with anger and aggression is okay.

What should have I done instead?

Why did my son throw my phone at the TV? He was trying to be heard. He had been pleading to change the channel, but I was too focused on my other kid at that time. His best attempt to get my attention? Throw my phone. It wasn’t right, but it was effective.

I still think anger has a purpose. It’s okay to express it to let the kids know they crossed a boundary, but only when calm inside. What I did wrong was I acted only to relieve myself of anger, without really thinking if it’s the best way to teach.

Next time: Understand what need are they trying to meet, then guide them toward a better way to meet it.

I went to bed earlier than usual on a Sunday night with the idea of getting a full-night sleep. I really want to start the week right.

Julian woke up at 2:00 am and couldn’t fall back asleep.

He finally went back to sleep at 2:55 am, but now I’m the one who can’t sleep.

It’s Monday, and my eldest has a morning class. I have to wake up at 6:40 am to drive him to school.

The situation sounds horrible, but I actually don’t mind it. I see it as part of the full parenting experience to have this struggle. Though, I could not deny I’m struggling.

Despite the situation, I still have a lot of things I’m grateful for.

For the help we receive in preparing Joshua for his class. All I have to do is to drive.

For Joshua gently waking me up by kissing me, then whispering “Dad, wake up I’m going to be late na” when I could not get up by myself.

For Johan, who’s already awake and wants to join the school run just to spend time with me since I’m not the one who usually takes him. He says “I want to go with you.”

Those are worth all the sleep interruptions.